Retorts to Questions about Piercings and Tattoos

What is that thing?

  • Oh, just something I found on the floor and thought was pretty.
  • It's kinda like when they tag bears with those big orange things...
  • It's a listening device placed by aliens so they can spy on us.
  • I was standing too close to the arc welder. They're just metal drops fused to my skin.
  • A festering, gangrenous wound.
  • The only cat toy the cats can't push under the fridge and lose.
  • It was a horrible fishing accident - I don't want to talk about it.
  • It's Sanskrit for "Satan Lives Within"
  • It's a duck.
  • It's the "Celtic Squid of Life". (asked about an abstract tribal tattoo)
  • What thing? Where? (look) AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Did it hurt?

  • No, why do you ask?
  • Yes, and I loved it! (evil smile should complete the effect).
  • No, it felt good as the needle made the first halting puncture, and then lanced through all in one intense shove.
  • Yes. (Followed by a dead stare at the questioner).
  • I don't remember, I was too busy screaming.
  • Well, it all depends on how you deal with pain, now does't it? (accompanied by a sweet, innocent smile usually does the trick)
  • Like a fork stuck in your eye, but in a good way.
  • Well, It's not for pussies!

Why did you do it?

  • I just like the beeping sound of airport metal detectors.
  • It's an experimental treatment to contain random outbursts of violent behavior.
  • It keeps demons from crawling into my ears.
  • Oh, so you've never kissed someone with one? (when asked about a tongue pierce)
  • I am a walking piece of art, and since you are viewing me, you are certainly welcome to make a donation to increase the capacity of this museum's stores.
  • The body is a temple. Have you ever seen an unadorned temple?
  • No reason in particular, I was just bored.
  • Just so that my very existence would be offensive to the likes of you.

That's permanent, you know...

  • Duh.
  • Well, at least until the leprosy reaches that part.
  • So's your plain skin.
  • Yep, but that's OK, because I'm killing myself next Thursday at 2:45.

Does that mean you're gay?

  • No, it means I like having holes in my head/body/penis.
  • No, that's purely a coincidence.
  • No, this other one means I'm gay.

What did your parents say?

  • I was genetically engineered and grown in a beaker. My lab tech thinks it's cool, though.
  • And for your next birthday, how about a motocycle?
  • So what do you think [insert name of person presently asking] will say?

I would NEVER do that.

  • I know.
  • Good.
  • And I'm sure there's a very good reason, isn't there? (accompanying bitchy smile usually confuses them)
  • Only the lucky few hear the call (with a smile and wide eyed stare)
  • Not voluntarily anyway ...
  • That's a pity for your lover.
  • Well, it's not for pussies!

Does it go all the way through?

  • No, it just kind of hangs there stuck in partway on both sides.
  • Where else would it go?

You're one of those freaks, aren't you?

  • Yes.
  • Jealous?
  • A second look is better than none at all.
  • And you are ... (while extending hand and grinning manaically)
  • I didn't get all these holes to be normal ...
  • Which kind?

Isn't there some sort of health risk?

  • Yes.
  • I collect infections like stamps.
  • Yes, but life is a challenge in general.
  • Only at sundown (stare blankly through them).

Did you know that's a sin against the Lord?

  • In God's eyes - maybe, but Odin doesn't seem to mind.
  • Your point?

From Christiaan's Piercing Page - the Stupid Questions list

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