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: FADE IN:
:
: INT. SPACESHIP
:
: LIAM NEESON
: It is vitally important we enter trade
: negotiations with the federation.
:
: EWAN MCGREGOR
: I agree. This one planet and how it
: trades with other planets is certainly
: an important enough topic to be the
: entire plot of a Star Wars film.
:
: INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
:
: EVIL ALIEN
: Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil,
: obviousry Asian race must prevair. I
: wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
:
: INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
:
: A droid enters.
:
: LIAM NEESON
: I sense a disturbance in the force.
:
: EWAN MCGREGOR
: Well, shit.
:
: Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin
: attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration
: of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to
: destroy the CGI. They run outside.
:
: EXT. NABOO
:
: They run until they smack into some more CGI.
:
: JAR JAR
: Who might you be?
:
: LIAM NEESON
: (staring in the general
: direction of Jar Jar, but
: not really staring at him)
: I am a Jedi. There are bad things
: coming. Take me to your homeland.
:
: JAR JAR
: I see. That is quite interesting. I
: will guide you to the land from which
: I have come.
:
: Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't
: selling well enough.
:
: JAR JAR (cont'd)
: Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to
: saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica
: mon, okeyday?
:
: EWAN MCGREGOR
: (staring at something right
: above Jar Jar)
: Good. Do you have a hotel room for me
: and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business
: to attend to.
:
: JAR JAR
: Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
:
: AUDIENCE
: Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
:
: INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
:
: The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears
: to be better in technology than the kinds of things in
: the original trilogy.
:
: NATALIE PORTMAN
: I am the queen. You've gone too far
: this time. I will tell the senate and
: you will be in a lot of trouble.
:
: EVIL ALIEN
: I'm so sorry, Amidala.
:
: NATALIE PORTMAN
: No, no, I'm Padme now.
:
: EVIL ALIEN
: I thought when in the makeup, you were
: the queen.
:
: NATALIE PORTMAN
: No, I'm whoever is playing the queen
: at the time. The voice changes don't
: help you figure this out.
:
: EVIL ALIEN
: Stop trying to confoose me! Droids,
: capture the queen.. or Padme.. er..
: just capture everyone!
:
: LIAM and EWAN and, grrr, JAR JAR too
: take NATALIE PORTMAN
: and other members of her staff onto a ship and they
: escape. They go to Tatooine.
:
: INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE
: LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
:
: JAKE LLOYD
: Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
:
: NATALIE PORTMAN
: You certainly are, little boy.
:
: JAKE LLOYD
: Am I the only one disturbed by the fact
: that I'm gonna bone you in episode
: two?
:
: LIAM NEESON
: Jake, I need you to have a pod race so
: I can get the parts I need and free
: you.
:
: JAKE'S MOM
: No, I won't allow him to pod race.
: He'll get hurt.
: (pause)
: Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
:
: They pod race. It looks really COOL.
:
: GEORGE LUCAS
: (attempting subtlety)
: Oh! Look! There's a video game of
: this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had
: to sacrifice a part of my grand vision
: for these movies to include a part
: that could be turned into a game, so
: buy it or I'll do it even more in
: episode 2.
:
: JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become
: very important in the next movie. He also has to leave
: his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
:
: AUDIENCE
: He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever
: mentioned in the original trilogy?
:
: GEORGE LUCAS
: Because I just made it up. Speaking
: of stuff I'm just making up, how do
: you like the midichlorian bullshit I
: pulled out of my ass?
:
: They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
:
: INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
:
: LIAM NEESON
: I want to train this boy.
:
: YODA
: Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is.
: Clouded his future seems. Vague my
: worries are.
:
: LIAM NEESON
: Well, he is the chosen one. He will
: bring balance to the force. I'm
: training him.
:
: SAMUEL L. JACKSON
: Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What
: the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass?
: I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a
: fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin
: movies, you know. My toy has a
: fuckin lightsaber.
:
: LIAM NEESON
: I'm going to go over your head and
: train him myself, then. So there.
:
: He exits.
:
: INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
:
: IAN MCDIARMID
: Damn I'm evil.
:
: Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-
: CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.
:
: EXT. NABOO
:
: NATALIE PORTMAN
: I am either the queen or Padme now.
: Regardless, your cheesy-looking race
: of annoying, unrealistic characters
: need to ally with our badly acting
: race of creatures so we can capture
: this one guy.
:
: BOSS NASS
: One guy? The climax of this film
: revolves entirely around us capturing
: one, pretty insignificant guy?
: Doesn't that make this whole thing
: kinda pointless?
:
: NATALIE PORTMAN
: No more pointless than the fact that
: this entire film revolves around taxes
: on trade and the cutting off of one,
: pathetic little planet half-filled
: with annoying creatures.
:
: They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
:
: Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight
: sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a
: black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black
: face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.
:
: Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one
: insignificant guy and we really don't care.
:
: Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and
: we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.
:
: Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-
: battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We
: care a little bit.
:
: INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
:
: MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle
: which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography
: and is thousands of times better than any other
: lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
:
: AUDIENCE
: Whoa! This is really cool!
:
: Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid
: battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to
: the good one.
:
: DARTH MAUL
: (menacing as hell)
: Grrr.
:
: Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising,
: especially to those of us who bought the film score which
: has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then
: kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on
: the side and holds on for dear life.
:
: EWAN MCGREGOR
: Well, you certainly are an experienced
: fighter and there is little question
: you could kick pretty much anyone's
: ass.
:
: DARTH MAUL (cont'd)
: Muahahahaha.
:
: Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber,
: jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button
: on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands
: there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
:
: EXT. SPACE
:
: JAKE LLOYD
: Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is
: pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm
: so cute.
:
: JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the
: ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
:
: JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
: Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave
: Artoo!
:
: They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all
: the droids and just makes everything great, because it's
: always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with
: a slapstick accident.
:
: EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
:
: The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge
: party ensues.
:
: AUDIENCE
: Wow! Watching this party and all this
: celebration has convinced me that the
: tiny, pathetic problem that has been
: taken care of is actually really
: significant! Hooray!
:
: Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the
: mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what
: actually happened was the future-emperor has actually
: manipulated everything, come into great power, and that
: one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but
: thousands more have been created.
:
: GEORGE LUCAS
: Three years, suckers. I'd make them
: come out sooner, but I work very hard
: on my films, as I am an independent
: filmmaker due to my disgust with
: Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy
: some Star Wars toys!
: END
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