horoscopes & fortunes

theonion.com

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.

humorscope.com

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will suddenly be engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmm. Ok... actually, today you will have pizza.

Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.

Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.

Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be sturffy. It's your life.

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