horrible things from work

GTE Employees May Be Omnipotent

A friend of mine working at GTE sent me the following email. All names have been changed to protect the incompetent.

Bob felt the need to add the word "normally" to the verbiage below:

***************************

The following factors are normally beyond the control of our front line employees:

  • Weather
  • Cable cuts
  • Equipment and facility shortages
  • Equipment failures

***************************

I really want to know under what conditions they get to control the weather and stuff. Who knew?

The Best Ideas for Newsletter Topics

A former co-worker at CP had to miss a newsletter group meeting, so he sent this email.

I'm sorry, but I won't be able to attend.

Please relay my article ideas to the group:

  1. Office Chairs and Other Tools of the Slacker.

  2. What the Federal Government Doesn't Want You to Know About Courseware Development.

  3. Satan's Guide to Effective Technical Communications.

  4. How to Pick up Chicks with Authorware.

  5. How to Make Big Bucks Moonlighting.

Quotes from Real Documentation

from intranet documentation
What you read here is not only informational, but also procedural for the aforementioned.
from a manual that Moontiger had to edit
Use common hole if it there is. If not, lead-in through window.
from a Panja manual for a defunct product
Optionally available is an emitter which can be placed inside a component as might be necessary with a faceplate cabinet or rack-mounted equipment.
a Panja manual
... the string to have be convert the processed.

Best Quotations from Consultants

  • Well, today I snatched mediocrity from the jaws of despair. - me

  • This reeks of participation. - Renee

  • They say variety is the spice of life. No wonder I drink Maalox out of the bottle. -???

Consulting Partners -- from the newly revised Employees Handbook

Here at Consulting Partners, we have a "Web site home page on the Internet"!!!

WOW! Not just a web site, but on THE INTERNET!!! Wow!!! (I'm just leaving the "home page" part alone - it makes my head hurt too much.) But that's ok. Really, it is. Because:

"We work hard not to have the usual bureaucracy and overhead that plagues a lot of our competitors and clients. We got this way by simply hiring and keeping the best employees like you."

"If you have a question, suggestion, or a problem, I [Mike S.] hope you will surface it immediately."

Some of the simpletons we have simply hired couldn't surface a suggestion if they had a compressor up their ass. There is so much wrong with this - and because it is Mike, we can't touch it! We can't change it! We can, however, cringe, and I strongly recommend that course of action.
Note: Sometimes, consulting firms seem to be run by, and staffed by, the seven dwarfs on a bad day. ;)

Panja -- press release

FAIRFIELD, NJ and DALLAS, TX, January 6, 2001-Fujitsu, the world leader in flat-panel plasma display monitors, and Panja Inc., (Nasdaq:PNJA) a leader in device networking and innovative uses of broadband communications, today announced Fujitsu has signed on as a member of the Panja Partner Program (P3).

--This is part of the problem. Fujitsu's description identifies who they are and what they do. They are the world leader in flat-panel plasma display monitors. Panja's description (taken from our mission statement, btw) is just so much babble. It doesn't identify who we are or what we do. It does, however, squarely identify us as a company desperate for a broadband identity.--

P3's purpose is to standardize connectivity between electronic devices such as home entertainment components and the Internet, using Panja's Internet Control System Protocol (ICSP).

--WOW! I didn't know the Internet was an electronic device!--

The system is being developed to include Internet connectivity, and will enable users to view Internet content such as web pages and streaming video through their home entertainment systems without using a computer, as well as access a Panja P3 control system remotely through the Internet.

--So what? I don't understand this at all. If I want to surf the net, I sit in front of a computer and have the tv going in the background. Why would I want to view Internet content through my home entertainment system?--
Sigh. Oh yeah.

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