misc short humor

July 2001

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

January 2001

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

honor system virus

I have been really busy lately and I haven't had the time, nor the expertise, to write a virus. So I would like you to open Windows and randomly delete 10 or 12 files (minimum of 3 system files) and then send this e-mail on to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your co-operation.

2000 and before

It's a good thing the Earth turned out to be round, because putting a satellite into a square orbit would've been costly.

McGrane on scented condoms: Amidst all the miasmic funk, there's the sweet smell of banana.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. --In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

That's almost as bad as the one I heard about the Dyslexic devil-worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa.

ON MATERIALISM: He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

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