Friendship, Reinterpreted

This originated as an email from me to my friends.

Chris was kind enough to send this list of friendship-related quotes. I've had a bad week - so here are my interpretations of some of the quotes. Enjoy!

original:
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Winnie the Pooh

translation:
I'm so selfish that I prefer you to go through the pain of losing me, so I don't have to go through the pain of losing you.

original:
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus

translation:
That way, when the grizzly bear charges, I can easily trip you. I don't have to be faster than the bear - just faster than you.

original:
Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.

translation:
But sometimes they have guns.

original:
Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life.

translation:
Artificial versions of something that, in real life, clogs arteries????

original:
Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Mencius

translation:
But the most interesting friends have two minds in one body!

original:
If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.
Stone Temple Pilots

translation:
ONLY IF YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP. If you die in a burning car wreck, I don't wanna be there!

original:
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

translation:
I refer you to Dave Barry's article on "Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump" - a tourist attraction in Canada, I believe. The Indians used to drive buffalo off of a cliff - a common practice. But one young man decided to watch this proceeding from the bottom of the cliff - when they got down to the last buffalo carcass, they found him with his head, oddly enough, smashed in. To quote Dave Barry, "even now, it is difficult to comprehend this tragedy without snorting back large, moist snorts of anguish".

original:
We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. Tim McGraw

translation:
Cathy Guisewhite said it best: No woman is an island. We're all U-hauls, dragging around pieces of the men we used to date.

I say, better to bury the pieces so you don't get charged with murder.

original:
My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life. Lee Iococca

translation:
Says the man with more money and free time than God.

original:
Hold a true friend with both your hands.
Nigerian Proverb

translation:
Preferably, around his neck, so when he tries to stab you in the back you can kill him first.