Holden
I love you. And not in a friendly way.

---

Holden
It's unfair that I love you?

Alyssa
No! It's unfortunate that you're in love with me? It's unfair that you felt the fucking need to unburden your soul about it!

---

Alyssa
They're all true, Holden! Didn't you know? I'm the Queen of suburban legend!

---

Alyssa
...but unlike you, some of us were not given a map at birth.

---

Jay
She's tasted life, so she'll setle for your boring funny-book-making ass.

Holden
Settling for my boring ass. Thanks Jay. That's comforting.

Jay
That's what I'm here for.

---

Silent Bob
She was all calm, saying it was that time, it was that place. She doesn't think she should apologize because she didn't do anything wrong.

...

She was the girl. I know that now.

So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy.

---

Alyssa
No.

Brody
Thank Christ! ... Sorry.

---

Alyssa
I've been there and done it and never found what I was looking for. I've been down roads like this before.

...

I love you. I always will.

*slaps him*

But I'm not your fucking whore.

*looks at Brody*

He's yours again.

Something like 36.

Something like 36?!? Including me?

Um, no. 37.

I'M 37!?!?!?

---

My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!

In a row?

---

Why did you have to go down on them? Why couldn't you have just fucked them like a normal girl?

---

Try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!

---

She broke your heart and drove men into a deviant lifestyle.

---

I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics???

---

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

---

You hate people!

But I love gatherings. Ironic, isn't it?

---

You're a danger to the dead and the living .

---

Oh, hey Caitlin? Break his heart again and I'll kill you myself. Nothing personal.

---

Its important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masterbate caged animals for artificial insemination.

---

And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks!

37.

Serendipity
Leave it to Catholics to destroy existence.

Bethany
You have issues with Catholicism, I take it?

Serendipity
I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead of a blessing, like some Catholics. You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it.

Bethany
So if we're wrong, what's the right religion?

Serendipity
It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination has nailed it yet. Because they're all too self-righteous to realize it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brain's got to wake up.

---

Rufus
... the factioning of the religions. He said that mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.

Bethany
Are you saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus
I just think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. People die fir it, people kill for it.

Dante
I'm the bitch?

Randall
Well, if we were gay, that's how I'd see it.

---

Holden
The Internet is a communication medium in which people come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with each other.

---

Justice
Hi. I'm Justice.

Jay
And I am so fucking yours.

---

Wildlife Marshall
All I see is a political fiasco which I am going to avoid by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go!

---

Jason Biggs
This thing has a script?!?!?

---

Chaka Luka King
I came up with the idea for Sesame Street! And the white man stole it from me. I was going to call it NWP: Niggers With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?

---

Jay
Holy shit. I am wearing pansy red booties. Why the fuck didn't you tell me.

---

Jay
That's ok. I'm a junkie with a monkey.