LAME!!! 

That was my full-throated cry of anguish as the closing credits began.  I was so disappointed I could have wept.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not a Star Wars fanatic - not by a long shot.  But I was looking forward to the movie and the story.  Well, that was my mistake.

The thing I hated most about the movie was (BIG suprise): Jar-Jar. But running a close second was:  the script.

For something GOOD about the movie, read the Synopsis, author unknown.

Jar-Jar

I don't feel a need to say much about that creature - much has been said elsewhere.  I will say that I found him to be a distraction, an irritant, and a prime example of technology triumphing over anything good.   He was in every possible scene the story could fit him in, just to show what capabilities ILM has.  He is also a prime example of the 'Forrest Gump Syndrome' or, the Dumbing Down of America.

He screws up, and because he is simple and unsullied by greed and pure, he ends up doing the right thing.  SPARE ME SUCH HORSESHIT!

The Script

There were very nice points to the story:

• Palapatine's rise to power.   Very cool.  By manipulating the Trade Fedaration to interfere with one idiotic planet, he managed to leverage himself into a level of power that eventually catapulted him to Emporer.

• Yoda & Samual Jackson.   "There are always two.  A master and a disciple.  But which one was destroyed?"  That was nicely done.

• Blue guy. Loved him!   He was nasty and greedy and fun!  "What do you think you are?  A Jedi?"

• Pod racing.  Very cool.

• Darth Maul kicking ass.   He kicked them in the head!   He whirled!  He parried!  He thrust!  He was great!  Note to Lucas:  fuck the stupid makeup - give the bad guy some depth, some dialogue, and more fight scenes!!!

• Qui-Jon/Obi-Wan.   I liked seeing the path of insolence that led to Luke.  Obi-Wan's rather plaintive "But Master, if you would just follow the Code you would BE on the Council!" was fun.

Now that THAT is out of the way, on to the hideous:

• Script written for 7-year-olds.   I was expecting the script to be written at an adult level with stuff for the kids - like A Bug's Life, which was great!  The opening crawl had BAD OMEN written all over it - the "greedy" Trade Federation; the Jedi, "defenders of truth and justice".   Oh, boy.  (Lion & I decided that Qui-Jon defends justice and Obi-Wan is stuck with truth.)

• Dialogue.  The most ANNOYING thing about Anakin was the dialoge that kid was forced to spout.   "I'm not a slave, I'm a person!".  Oh, blow my ass!  I've seen many of these actors in other roles - I have to assume their stiffness was either a-at Lucas' request or b-because the dialoge was THAT ludicrous.  Don't know, don't care - it was wrong for any reason.

• Heavy-handedness.   Ok, let's beat the lesson in with a stick, shall we?  "There's always a bigger fish" - but must there be TWO of them?  Or was that a moment of subtlety - the Jedi's using the Force to impact the natural world?

• Speaking of the Force.   What is this crap with the midichlorians?  Anakin was conceived by the midichlorians?  Oh, great gods!

• Depth, or the Lack Therof.   Don't even get me STARTED on one of the biggest problems - depth.  There was none.  For example:  in what way is the Force out of balance?  Well, it seems to be centered in good people. If that is correct, it would certainly paint a picture of why the Jedi wouldn't want a trained solution - if fixing the imbalance would mean fucking the Jedi, they don't necessarily want the imbalance fixed, now, do they? But would it have really HURT to talk about it???

Oh, I cannot write any more today.  I may come back to this when I feel less nauseated.