Calvin and Hobbes
Calvin: How do they know the load
limit on bridges, Dad?
Dad: They drive bigger and bigger
trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then
they weigh the last truck and rebuild the
bridge.
Calvin: Why does the sun set?
Dad: It's because hot air rises. The
sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it
rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it
cools down and sets.
Calvin: Why does it go from east to
west?
Dad: Solar wind.
Calvin: Why does the sky turn red as
the sun sets?
Dad: That's all the oxygen in the
atmosphere catching fire.
Calvin: Where does the sun go when it
sets?
Dad: The sun sets in the west. In
Arizona actually, near Flagstaff.
Calvin: Oh.
Dad: That's why the rocks there are so
red.
Calvin: Don't the people get burned
up?
Dad: No, the sun goes out as it sets.
That's why it is dark at night.
Calvin: Doesn't the sun crush the
whole state when it lands?
Dad: Ha ha, of course not. Hold a
quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same
size.
Calvin: I thought I read that the sun
was really big.
Dad: You can't believe everything you
read, I'm afraid.
Calvin: So how does the sun rise in
the east if it lands in Arizona each night?
Dad: Well, time for bed.
Calvin: Dad, how come old photographs
are always black and white? Didn't they have
color film back then?
Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old
photographs ARE in color. It's just the WORLD
was black and white then.
Calvin: Really?
Dad: Yep. The world didn't turn color
until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty
grainy color for a while, too.
Calvin: That's really weird.
Dad: Well, truth is stranger than
fiction.
Calvin: But then why are old PAINTINGS
in color?! If the world was black and white,
wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
Dad: Not necessarily. A lot of great
artists were insane.
Calvin: But... but how could they have
painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints
have been shades of gray back then?
Dad: Of course, but they turned colors
like everything else in the '30s.
Calvin: So why didn't old black and
white photos turn color too?
Dad: Because they were color pictures
of black and white, remember?
Calvin: Dad, will you explain the
theory of relativity to me? I don't understand
why time goes slower at greater speed.
Dad: It's because you keep changing
time zones. See, if you fly to California, you
gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right?
So if you go at the speed of light, you gain
MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to
get there. Of course, the theory of relativity
only works if you're going west.
Calvin: Gee, that's not what Mom said
at all. She must be totally off her rocker.
Dad: Well, we men are better at
abstract reasoning. Go tell her that!
Oh yes! YES! It was worth it! What a shot!
I'm not sorry! Oh, it was beautiful! I'd do it
again in a minute! Ha ha!
Santa's gonna skip this block for years.
I think football is a sport the way ducks
think hunting is a sport.
Years from now, when I'm successful and
happy, and he's in prison, I hope I'm not too
mature to gloat.
Hobbes, do you think our morality is defined
by our actions, or by what's in our hearts?
I think our actions show what's in our
hearts.
I RESENT THAT!
I don't NEED to compromise my principles,
because they don't have the slightest bearing
on what happens to me anyway.
It's hard to be religous when certain people
are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Can we burn these leaves?
No. That pollutes.
But how can we appease the mighty snow demons
if we don't sacrifice any leaves? We'll have a
warm winter!
I don't know whether your grasp of theology
or meteorology is the more appalling.
Like keeping an incontinent toad in your
mother's sweater drawer?
Exactly. If I was being raised in a better
environment, I wouldn't do things like that.
Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and
THEN write a report? Give me a break!
Calvin: When are we going to get a
Christmas tree?
Dad: Oh, I dunno. Probably a little
after New Year's.
Calvin: AFTER NEW YEAR'S?
Dad: Sure. We can just go up the
street and pick the best tree from the
neighbor's driveways.
Calvin: WHAT?
Dad: Sometimes there's still tinsel on
the tree too, so you don't even have to
decorate it! We'll save time and money!
Cathy, by Cathy Guisewhite
No woman is an island. We're little U-Hauls
full of the men we used to go out with.
You might as well have some fun. The rest of
us are thoroughly enjoying your life.
Younger men love to go out with older women
because of all the things we know, Cathy.
I know how to turn a perfectly happy man into
a confused, shrieking lunatic.
Bingo! See?? The younger ones can only make
them whimper.
Men go into their cave alone. Women go into
their cave with 15 girlfriends.
Incredible how efficient I become when I'm
1300 miles away from my own life.
Dilbert, by Scott Adams
Idiocy in the modern age isn't an
all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation
for most people. It's a condition that
everybody slips into many times a day.
It is a wonderful human characteristic to be
able to slip in and out of idiocy many times a
day without noticing the change or
accidentally killing innocent bystanders in
the process.
All the technology that surrounds us... is
created by a tiny percentage of deviant smart
people. The rest of us are treading water as
fast as we can. The world is too complex for
us. Evolution didn't keep up. Thanks to the
printing press, the deviant smart people
managed to capture their genius and
communicate it without having to pass it on
genetically. Evolution was short-circuited. We
got knowledge and technology before we got
intelligence.
Once a person is smarter than you, it doesn't
matter if he's one percent smarter or one
thousand percent smarter. You can't tell the
difference.
The best areas in which to become an expert
are those areas that are vital to many
projects, shallow in substance, and
spectacularly uninteresting. Select an area
that is so dry that when the average person is
exposed to it he'll want to drill a hole in
his head to let the boredom out.
Marilyn vos Savant has the highest recorded
IQ of any human. She once solved a Rubik's
Cube just by scaring it into alignment.
Dogbert:
What did I say that sounded like "Tell me
about your day"?
You can tell that you've reorganized too
often -- and are therefore doomed -- if you
hear your co-workers asking any of these
questions in the hallways:
-
If I had to live in a dumpster, how bad
would that be?
-
Where do street people shower?
-
Is tuberculosis fatal?
Dogbert:
Don't let me slow your search for someone
who's interested.
I'm happy to report that the "Excellence in
Teaming" read-out is nearly ready. It's taken
forty people from a dozen departments to
complete the study. We finally got complete
buy-in.
Is that the study of why we can't make
decisions?
Originally. But it evolved into more of a
discussion of squirrel migration patterns.
Doonesbury, by Gary Trudeau
There is great disorder under heaven and the
situation is excellent.
There is chaos on earth and his pulse is
normal.
In a suitable temperature, an egg becomes a
chicken, and there are no chickens born of
stones.
Sir! We're going down!
I know. I can't get over it. Thank God I'm
stoned.
Surgical nukes, man. That's the future.
--B.D.
Good choice. Handguns should be cheap and
plentiful.
interview with Trudeau:
I'm not interested in private assuraqnces or
endearments, the insider's "access". I'm
interested in what the outsider sees -- the
public face the politician chooses to
project, chooses to be judged on.
Nothing could be fairer. He's setting the
agenda; I'm merely reacting.
Green Arrow
She tried to die. You didn't know that, did
you? She tried ... but they wouldn't let
her.
-#33
What we do is important, Oliver. Not just to
ourselves, but to a whole lot of people who
depend on us to hold the line. We're in a
deadly, dangerous business. You put your life
on the line every time you put on that mask. I
love you, Oliver. And I'd love to make babies
with you. But I won't make orphans.
-#33
We're dealing with dead men on their way to
paradise.
-#50
Something Positive
Now, before we start, I know I'm very pretty,
but I hope you understand, you can't develop
feelings for me. I'm a lesbian.
You know, for a lesbian, you seem to suck a
whole mess of dick.
I could menstruate a better cup of coffee than
this!
From the gamer being maced: "ARRRRCH! It
burns! It burns like hygiene!"
Maybe you're really a sweet girl and I'm just
a bad judge of character, but you strike me as
a fuming slut.
Every day with you three is a new lesson in
dysfunction.
Why PeeJee, I believe that's a perfect SEGUE
TO UNNECESSARY VIOLENCE!
Hey, I called dibs on that psyche a long time
ago, and PeeJee and I are rough on our toys.
Don't mind me. I'm just aligning my mental
crosshairs.
I can't fuckin' believe you drew all over my
dick while I was asleep!!
Ow! No loving god would allow you two to
exist!
Are you referring to his famous Thanks for the
blowjob, can I offer you an after-dinner mint
comment?
[playing d&d] Claire, what priest's spell
do you recommend I use on a group of women who
are all slightly drunk and angrily
menstruating?
Aubrey
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm going to go
too far, PeeJee.
PeeJee
Come now, Aubrey. We can never go too far as
long as we're cute, have nice boobs and
alibies.
Aubrey
Hey! At least I warn the guys I go out with I
plan on putting them through a living hell.
PeeJee
yes, I know. I helped design the "So you've
decided to forfeit your life to Aubrey"
pamphlet you give them, remember?
Aubrey
What the fuck?! PeeJee! You won't believe
this!
PeeJee
Aubrey, do you recall when I explained the
difference between our acceptable at home
language and the language we can use in a toy
store?
Vampire the Masquerade
No one holds command over me. No man. No god.
No prince. What is a claim of age for ones who
are immortal? What is a claim of power for
ones who defy death? Call your damnable hunt.
We shall see who I drag screaming into Hell
with me.
The Watchmen, by Alan Moore
For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived
life, free from compromise and step into the
shadow without complaint.
-Rorschach's last journal
entry
