Dave Attell
My dad's getting to the point where his war
stories are blending with his other stories.
"We were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo,
then we were dancing, and that's how I met
your mother."
Here's another travel tip. Never ever pack
when you're high.
I don't have to drink to have a good time. I
drink to shut up the voice in my head. And the
voice in my head has a stutter.
George Carlin
We Are All Diseased
This is just a series of things that are
pissing me off. Because I don't have pet
peeves, I have major psychotic fucking
hatreds.
Here's another question I've been pondering.
What is all this shit about angels? Have you
heard this? 3 out of 4 people now believe in
angels. What are you, fucking stupid? Has
everybody lost their fucking minds in this
country?
...
Angels, shit. What about goblins, huh?
Doesn't anybody believe in goblins?
...
And zombies! Where the fuck are all the
zombies?
...
I say if you're going to buy the angel
bullshit, you might as well go for the zombie
package as well.
Napalm and Silly Putty
What we need is a king. And every now and
then, if the king is not doing a good job, we
kill him.
Road rage. Air rage. Why should I be forced
to divide my rage into separate categories? To
me it's just one big all-around everyday rage.
I don't have time for fine distinctions; I'm
busy screaming at people.
I think a good travel book would be Doorway
to Norway.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to
drink, I think they should warn female
alcoholics not to fuck.
Margaret Cho
I could never sell douch, because I just
don't look fresh.
I loved Charlie's Angels. But it should have
been called And Then There's the Ho.
Let me explain. When 3 girls are friends,
one's the sweet one, one's the smart one...
and then there's the ho! Take stock... which
are you?
Will Durst
What does a snail say when he rides on the
back of a turtle? Whee!
Janeane Garafolo
[on couples having snowball fights]
Look how whimsical I am! Fuck me!
Adele Givens
It seems like all the music is... [sings] And
I... will always... love you...
[Stops singing, looks straight at the
audience.] FUCK HIM.
Bobcat Goldthwait
If you ever see me getting beaten by the
police, put down the video camera and come
help me instead.
Dana Gould
When somebody says 'gee, you're really
easy to talk to,' what they mean is
'I'm a whirlwind of dysfunction, come, be
my emotional packmule'.
I lump all of my ex-girlfriends into one big
one I call Mandy. My, Another Neurotic
Disappointment? Yes!
Here's Ann now. In a couple of months, if all
goes well, she'll be a complete nymphomaniac
who likes Star Trek. That's all I want. "Live
long and prosper. God I'm horny!"
Bill Hicks
I'm so sick of this ain't humanity
neat bullshit. We're a virus with shoes,
people. That's all we are.
Try waking up and enjoying the life you've
chosen.
And yes, I've been offered commercials and
I've turned them down, because I'm not a
salesman. And I don't need money that is spilt
in blood.
You want a better world, ladies and
gentlemen? Legalize pot right now. You want to
end the deficit? Legalize pot right now. I am
so sick of hearing about the goddamned deficit
that I could fucking puke blood.
It's going to take a very special woman -- or
a bunch of average ones!
Rich Jeni
On going to war over religion: You're
basically killing each other to see who's got
the better imaginary friend.
The Web brings people together because no
matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant
you happen to be, you've got millions of pals
out there. Type in 'Find people that have
sex with goats that are on fire' and the
computer will say, 'Specify type of
goat.'"
Denis Leary
I want the shiny people over here, and the
happy people over there. I represent angry,
gun toting, meat eating fucking people.
James Lileks
Gallery of Regrettable Food
Never underestimate an ungulent who can knit
with her hooves.
go
Pack O'Glop in a Tin O'Crap
go
Hide the children! Run! The self-mutilating
fertility giant is here!
go
Interior Desecrators
If you had a persistent rash, this would be a
good room. If you wanted a decor to blend in
with the exploded capillaries on your
alcoholic schnozz, this would be a good room.
If you wanted a decor that contained so much
red and so many candles that you could just
blame the sudden appearance of Satan on your
furniture - "well, I certainly wasn't planning
to have orgiastic relations with the
cloven-hooved embodiment of evil and fear, but
when he's standing there in the fireplace
shouting YOU HAVE SUMMONED ME, what are you
going to do?" then this is a good room. Note:
this is not a good room.
'Gigantic patterned wallpaper is in a small
area is exciting because it breaks all the
rules.' Well, a flaming pile of pig crap in
the foyer breaks all the rules. Smearing
goat-brains on the walls breaks all the rules.
Dennis Miller
Keanu Reeves is expecting his first child...
Keanu says he doesn't care if its a chick or a
dude as long as its, you know, cool.
misc
Jeff Green
Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My,
what an attractive scrotum!'
Johnny Hardwick
Get a life. Get two lives and kill one of
them.
Kevin James
I discovered I scream the same way whether
I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or
if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Marc Maron
We had Passover, and you had... whatever you
do with the bunny.
Phil Palasol
For 1 million dollars, I'd sleep with Robert
Redford. I don't know how to be gay, but I'd
snuggle up to his tan little butt.
Emo Philips
Capital punishment turns the state into a
murderer. But imprisonment turns the state
into a gay dungeon-master.
Jeffrey Ross
It's called David Hasselhoff sings John
Tesh.
Jimmy Shubert
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men
can fake whole relationships.
Tim Steeves
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
? ? ?
Life is a big black hole of depression and
disappointment. Now go to sleep.
I hope Ross Perot runs again in '96. He was
so much fun. Especially in the political
debates. Can you get any more vague? Someone
would ask "Mr. Perot, what do you intend to do
about the economy?" and he would say "It's
time to take the knife out of the kitchen and
stab the dog".
Men are afraid of gays because they're afraid
gays will treat them the way they treat women.
"Hey man! No means no! I'm saying no with my
mouth and my eyes!"
Chris Rock
We [men] always think we can buy sex...
Nothing gets you nothing. Shit, a woman knows
if she's gonna fuck you in the first 5 minutes
of meeting you. Women know right away. They're
shaking hands like, "I'm gonna fuck him. I
hope he don't say nothing too stupid!"
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest
lies. We lie so much it's like a second
language. ... We lie all the time. You know
what a man's lie is like? "I was at Kenny's
house". A woman's lie is like, "It's your
baby".
Henry Rollins
Live at McCabe's
And I'm thinking, with this girl?
Well, I don't want to know where she lives --
probably in Hell or something.
All I have is my ignorance, anxiety, and
depression.
... back when mom was a dish-throwing
wine-drinking chain-smoking Mia Farrow clone
--- she was insane man, this anorexic, crazy,
cursing demon-woman.
Misc.
I like Buddha. He's smiling, he's mellow, he
won't send you to hell for masturbating...
SNL/Latenight
With the deadline fast approaching; only 53%
of Americans have returned their census forms,
well short of the minimum goal of 61%. My
question is: How do they know?
Colin Quinn
Last week Charlton Heston admitted he had a
drinking problem, and I said to myself, 'Thank
God this man doesn't own any guns!'
David Letterman
Robin Williams
"Yes, we're Americans... we're a nice people,
a *friendly* people - but if you piss us off,
we'll bomb your cities."
"Live at the Met" HBO special, ca. 1987
Stephen Wright
I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my
arms.
