Season One
Cordelia
What is your childhood trauma?
Cordelia
Excuse me. I have to call everyone I've ever
met.
Willow
I need to sit down.
Buffy
You are sitting down.
Willow
Oh. Good for me.
Giles
Maybe you could wrest some answers from that
dread machine. pause That was a bit...
British... wasn't it?
Giles
It's all coming together. I rather wish it
wasn't.
Giles
You went hunting last night.
Buffy
Yes.
Giles
When you assured me you wouldn't.
Buffy
Yes. I lied. I'm a bad person. Can we move
on?
Giles
Ah, this computer invasion Willow is
performing on the coroner's office -- one
assumes it is entirely legal.
Buffy and Willow together
Of course! Entirely!
Giles
Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it,
couldn't have stopped you.
Xander
I know what I'm going to do. I"m going to go
home and listen to country music. The music of
pain.
Spike
I was actually at Woodstock. That was a real
gig. I fed off a flower person and I spent the
next six hours watching my hand move.
Season Two
Xander, after Angel vanishes noiselessly
Ok, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a
little bell on that guy.
Spike to Angel
You were my sire, man! You were my Yoda!
Xander, walking away from the frat house
Someday, I'll have money, and power, and
prestige. And on that day, they'll still have
more.
Willow to Xander re Angel
See! You made him do that thing where he's
gone!
Angel
I spent 100 years hanging out, feeling
guilty, honing my brooding skills.
Buffy to Giles
Go! Experience the thing called fun!
Xander
Yeah, I'd have to go with Dead Boy on that
one.
Angel
Could you not call me that?
Spike
I've known you for two minutes, and already I
can't stand you. I can't really feature you
living forever. ( turns to Dru ) Can I eat
him now, love?
Xander, doing a doubletake
Spike was in your bedroom?
Willow sighs theatrically
Ours is a
forbidden love.
Xander
yep, yep, I know this would happen. Nobody
can be wound so straight and narrow as Giles
without a dark side erupting.
Buffy
How did you know?
Angel
I lurk.
Giles
Since Angel lost his soul, he's regained his
sense of whimsy.
occult shopkeeper
I love the New Agers. They sent my youngest
child to college.
Season Three
Buffy
I'm on your side.
Faith
I'm on my side. That's enough.
Lover's Walk
Willow
What's this?
Oz
It's a gift.
Willow
What's the occasion?
Oz
Pretty much you are.
Willow
It's a little Pez witch!
Oz
It's kind of a theme present. Do you like it?
I like! I more than like! It's so thoughtful.
Oz smiles
On anyone else, it would have been a small smile, hardly noticible. On him, it blazed like sunlight.
Well, I think about you.
Willow
I don't have anything to give you
Oz smiles again
Yeah you do. He touches her arm, smiles again, and walks off.
Willow looked up at Xander desperately. He stroked her hair gently as he spoke. "I wish I wasn't so attracted to you. I wish we could make it all stop."
Willow
This is an anti-love spell. Sort of a
de-lusting.
Willow tried to break open the door, but it was useless. She heard a noise behind her, and turned to see that Xander had awakened and is trying, fruitlessly, to sit up. She ran back to where he lay. He tried to stand, but was too dizzy and nauseated. He fell, pulling her on top of him. They looked at each other.
"We're not supposed to", she whispered.
"Exception for impending death situation," he said lightly, both joking and not.
They kiss.
"OH GOD." Cordelia's voice shattered the silence.
Xander and Willow sprang apart. Willow whipped her head around, saw Oz, and reflexively twisted off of Xander and landed on her feet.
"Oh, God." Xander said, as Willow gasped, "Oh God, Oz!".
Oz's voice was completely flat. "We have to get out of here," he said, as Cordelia ran up the stairs. But he remained still, staring at her.
"And Oz?" Buffy asked gently.
Willow looked at her desperately. "I never there was anything inside me that could feel so bad. All this time, I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted everything. And now, I just want him to talk to me again.
The episode ended with Willow sitting disconsolently in her room, holding her Pez witch.
Amends
Oz
Ok, the thing is. Seeing you with Zander was… it was… well, I never felt that way before when there wasn't a full moon. But I know you guys have a history…
Willow
But it's a history that's in the past!
Oz
This is what I do know. I miss you, like, every second. It's like I lost an arm, or even worse, a torso.
Willow
Oz, I want to be with you. First.
Oz
I think we should sit down again.
Willow
Oz, I'm ready.
Oz
Ok, well, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not.
Willow
Are you scared? 'Cause I thought you had...
Oz
I have. But this is differerent. When it happens, I want it to be because we both need to do, for the same reasons. You don't have to prove anything to me.
Spike's return
Spike
Oh, my head. I think I'm sobering up. It's
horrible.
Spike, to Angel and Buffy
You're not friends. You'll never be
friends. You'll be in love till it kills you
both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and
you'll hate each other till it makes you
quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love
isn't brains, children; it's blood. Blood
screaming inside you to work its will.
I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man
enough to admit it.
Dopplegangland
Anya
You trusting fool! How do you know the world
will be any better than this one?
Giles, in the moment that made me love him
forever
It has to be.
Dopplegangland, part 2
Buffy to Xander
Won't you indroduct me to your... holy God,
it's Willow!
Evil Willow
Bored now.
Evil Willow
This is a dumb world. In my world, we have
people in chains and we ride them like ponies.
Evil Willow, upon seeing Willow, who is
wearing a pink sweater
Well look at me. I'm fuzzy.
Willow
This just can't get more disturbing!
Willow
I'm so evil and skanky. And I think I'm kind
of gay!
misc, near the end of Season 3
Angel
I want to take comfort with you, and I know
it will cost me my sould. And a part of me
doesn't care.
Wesley
You are not helping.
Giles
I know. And I'm just sick about it.
Mayor
There's nothing uncool about healthy teeth
and gums!
Wesley
And you say this demon wanted cash? Very
unusual.
Giles
Demons after money. Whatever happened to the
still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has
any standards any more.
Mayor
There's more than one way to skin a cat. And
I happen to know that's factually true.
Wesley
I don't think [the Council] would be very
happy about the two of us collaborating.
Giles
Well, I wasn't about to burst into glorious
song myself.
Willow
Buffy, I too know the love of a taciturn man.
Anya
I had been dumped, was doing a few vengence
spells. Boils on the penis - nothing fancy.
Anya
Men are evil.
Buffy
What's with the dire?
Buffy
I can't breathe, Will. I feel like I can't breathe.
Buffy
Don't you hate her [Harmony]?
Willow
Yes! With a fiery vengeance! She picked on me for 10 years, the vacuous tramp.
Willow
Oz! Could you at least pretend to care?
Giles
And I shall be wearing pink taffeta as chenille will not go with my complexion can we please talk about the Ascension?
Cordelia
Tact is just not saying rude stuff.
Buffy
I haven't processed everything yet. I'm not
functioning on the higher levels. It's pretty
much 'fire bad. Tree pretty.'
Giles
I think I'll go see if Wesley is still
whimpering.
Season Four
Buffy
Nice phone.
Giles (still annoyed at being left out of
the loop)
Yes. Fabulous technology. See, if anyone has
any information that I need to know, they can
simply tell me about it through this ingenious
speaking tube. I'm very excited.
Riley
These spells - these really work? I mean, can
you really Turn Your Enemies Inside
Out, or Learn to Excrete Gold
Coins?
Anya
That one's not so much fun.
Willow
They work, Riley, but they take
concentration. Being attuned to the forces of
the universe.
Zander
Right. You can't just go (reading from book)
librum incendere and
The book catches fire. He
slams it shut.
Giles (sighing)
Zander, don't speak Latin in front of the
books.
Zander
I'm tired of being the guy who eats bugs and
gets the funny syphilis.
Zander
Where's the creep who turned me into a
spider-eating man-bitch?
Zander
I'm through being everybody's butt-monkey!
Willow
It's all blah blah blah Gaia; blah blah blah
the Moon; blah blah blah the menstrual cycle
life force; blah!
Buffy
No witches in your witch group?
Willow
No, just a lot of wanna-blessed-be's.
Giles
Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Zander
What's the matter, Spike? Drusilla dump you
again?
Spike
Maybe I dumped her!
Harmony
She dumped him for a fungus demon.
Harmony (to Spike)
Hey! My heart's not beating! Can we kill a
doctor so I can get a stethoscope so I can
hear my heart not beating???
season 3 finale
Buffy
You know, you could have brought that up to
us before we did it.
Giles
I did. I said there could be dire
consequences.
Buffy
Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
Buffy's dream
Buffy
I'm going to be a fireman when the floods
roll back. There's trees in the desert since
you moved out and I don't sleep on a bed of
bones. Now give me back my friends.
Giles' dream
Spike
I've hired myself out as an attraction.
heckler at club
You suck!
Anya
Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion!
Giles (singing)
Zander! and Willow! Please try not to bleed
on my couch - I just had it steamed!
Zander's dream
Principal
You're neither. You're a whipping boy, raised
by mongrels, and sat on a sacrificial stone.
Zander, after a long pause
I'm getting a cramp.
Giles to Spike (on a swingset)
Come on! Put your back into it! A Watcher
scoffs at gravity!
Willow's dream
Riley
I got here on time, so I got to be cowboy
guy!
Willow
I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty.
Season Five
Zander
If we close our eyes and concentrate real
hard... it will stab us! These things are
real!
Anya
... were reptile worshippers.
Zander
Just once I'd like to run into a cult of
bunny worshippers.
Riley
It could be toxic. Don't touch it.
Zander
Yeah. Touching it was my first impulse.
Fortunately, I moved on to my second, which
involves dry heaving and running like hell.
Zander
I don't see why we had to be here to study
our killer demon snot monster.
Giles
Because its a killer demon snot monster from
outer space. pause I did not just say
that.
Tara
Good deed.
Anya
Yes. I'm expecting a large karmic reward any
second now.
Zander
Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it.
Glory to Buffy
Next time we meet, something you love dies
bloody.
Zander
Or you could fight him [the troll].
Spike
Yes, but I'm paralyzed by not caring.
Buffy
You want credit for not feeding off of
bleeding disaster victims?
Spike
Well, yeah.
Willow
Do you think I'd do that [kiss Zander] again?
Anya
Why not?
Willow
Hello! Gay now!
Troll to Zander
You fight well! Although you are a tiny man.
Troll re Zander
And him? He's ludicrous, and far too
breakable.
Spike
End my torment. Take me out of a world that
has you in it.
Spike
I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make
your neck my chalice and drink deep. [trips
and falls] Augghhh!
guy
So, these books all got spells in them? You
turning people into frogs?
Zander
Yes. We're building a race of frog people.
Big fun!
Buffy
How bored were you last year?
Giles
I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never
speak of it.
